Beep Beep Boop, It’s Been a While

by Payel

Rather than spending an entire paragraph and a half about mindless meta shit about this blog itself, my rambling might actually lead to something interesting.

Conflict resolution is not my forte. In fact, it’s clearly my Achille’s heel. I can rant up a storm. But I can never confront conflicts. I’ve tried, but I can never leave with a sigh of relief. That sigh of relief hangs over my head as my main objective when I try to relieve a contentious point of frustration with someone, which is usually exacerbated by my general affinity towards procrastination. I let the anger and frustration compound until vignettes of ancient incidents of sorrow and grief goad me into finally deciding I need to talk to said someone. By that point, I fear that my curbed anger will let loose, and I will say or do something I will regret. But, the opposite happens. All that suppressed outrage oozes out in a sugar-coated wafer of intimations. I start supplying justifications for the opposite party and become all too understanding. I stuff the remainder of my bitterness in little pockets in my mind and reserve them for later. The residual sourness ends up being the bulk of my woes, and I don’t think I will ever be able to get them out of my system to their full capacities. Sometimes, I dare myself to mutter them under my breath or maybe even sputter them out while intoxicated, but that has yet to happen.

I often resort to writing emails. It helps me sort out my thoughts and phrase things in a way that I feel will not only convey my message but also make it clear that I am disgruntled by an event. Unfortunately, writing emails also makes me feel like I’m 12. On top of that, my anger materializes in words and gets archived right as I send off that email, and I don’t like that. So what’s the solution?

A shot of vodka will suffice as a temporary solution until I think of something better. Having written this out makes me feel better as well. And at the end of the day, as sappy as it sounds, I know it all goes back to my insecurities. But, I have been trying so hard not to let that affect me. Maybe I need professional help.

Also, I had serious thoughts of posting this, but I thought about it. I always censor myself when it comes to sad posts even though, objectively speaking, it is an emotion just as happiness, so why hold it back? Can’t really go into this now because the tipsiness is wearing off, and as the age-old adage goes: I have homework to do.

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