Late-night Ramblings

by Payel

I’m writing because I can’t sleep. I’ve been meaning to write something for a while since I last posted, but I didn’t have anything worthwhile to say. This semester has been pretty uneventful and all sorts of miserable.

I have come to the unfortunate conclusion that I am squandering my life away. I am studying a subject that I am completely uninterested in. And no matter how much I try to fake it, I still have not made it. That’s because I ooze apathy every time I crack open a book. I have to give myself pep talks before I can begin my homework or lab assignments. I dread going to class.

I like to believe that an individual has the capacity to learn any subject as well as he or she wants. However, a big factor in this ability to soak in knowledge is interest. And that is something I grossly and wrongly overlooked when I undertook this major. This could not have been made clearer this semester. I get it. Lack of interest is exceedingly inhibiting. But I’m more than halfway invested in this endeavor both money and time wise. So, what now?

I looked for potential exit signs throughout the semester, but my crippling self-esteem always found a way to stop me. So, I stayed on the safe route. If I could manage to finish and get a job, I could use the money to fund my true passions. That had always been the plan, which, in retrospect, is the stupidest fucking plan ever. And it spurred from the initial thought that my ideal future would simply land on my lap. I was hellbent on this idea, which made it easier to imagine. But, I realized that I’ve never truly put myself out there. I’ve never even truly disclosed what it is that I want to do in the future. And maybe part of the reason why is because there are so many things I would ideally pursue. But I am such an edited version of myself when I present myself and go through the daily motions of life. I am petrified by the thought of others judging me in any way. It seems like I should’ve shaken this fear off by now, but somehow it has managed to cling on to me like a pesky leech. And this has made it impossible for me to do anything productive or creative for fear of failing. I even shy away from writing sometimes. But I absolutely can’t imagine doing what I’m studying for the rest of my life. I’d rather be a failed, but struggling writer than a successful engineer. And by the looks of it, I’m probably going to be a failed engineer.

It’s probably the four shots of espresso talking at this point, but I think the four shots of espresso have helped clear my mind of almost all the self-doubt. The four shots of espresso have made me realize that at the end of the day, I need to make myself happy. The four shots of espresso have kept me awake to help me conclude that I better make 2014 my fucking year because I really have nothing to lose.